I’m feeling pretty bleh today. My face is tomato red, warm to the touch, and swollen for one thing. An allergic reaction, to what I have no idea. Also, I just found out that the new medication I was prescribed a couple weeks ago to help my hair grow back (fingers crossed x a million) can cause drowsiness. So maybe it’s these things, or maybe it’s just the usual ho hum that seems dead set on following me around the rest of my life. Whatever. Same same. Either way I’m feeling bleh.
The crazy part is this: I’m okay with it.
I’m no stranger to Depression. We’ve become friends actually, after all this time, kinda sorta. It’s totally a love/hate relationship, the love part coming into play when he decides to leave me the hell alone of course. I can even see where Depression has been good to me, carving out places within myself where compassion and empathy have begun to grow in greater measure. But mostly he’s just a shitty sort of fellow, and for a long time I carried quite the load of shame that he and I seemed to be joined at the hip.
Depression wasn’t welcome in the house where I grew up, and I wanted to curl up and die for all the unhappiness it seemed to bring my family. At church, my home away from home, the message I heard loud and clear was somewhat the same: Depression is not God’s will and is something to be overcome in the name of Jesus. And so I hated myself for struggling, for skirting the edges of darkness in my mind, for every single day when I couldn’t find the strength to pull at my bootstraps and pick myself up. I began to obsess over the whole idea of God healing me (nothing less than complete eradication of every single deep, dark thought and feeling would do) and the more I continued to suffer, the more ashamed I felt. Clearly I wasn’t praying hard enough or surrendering enough or believing in Him enough.
Maybe I’m still not, because all these years later I’m still well acquainted with the dark. More than ever in some ways. Life has taken some crazy turns in this last season as I’ve determined to face some of my deepest pains and the valleys have been scary low. But you know what? God’s been so good to me, so faithful. He still hasn’t sprinkled me with his magic dust and made me All Better, but He’s continued calling me to Himself and its a journey that has radically changed my entire world and the whole of my self.
There may be darkness in me still, but there’s not nearly as much shame. Really, I’ve been watching it leave my life by the truckload and it’s been pretty much the best. I guess God meant it when He said that darkness and light are the same to Him because He’s met me in every pitch black place I’ve been in. I used to think He was up in heaven, tsk tsking me for not getting my shit together faster, and now I know He’s been by my side all along. God loves me and accepts me and though I’ve known this for most of my life, I’m now beginning to know it know it. I’ve even started taking His cues and am loving and accepting my own damn self, believe it or not, bleh days and all.